Thursday, 23 September 2010

Oh Dear.

I have just started back at work after my maternity leave, at the beginning of September. The first week was good, I eased back into things quite easily (as I worked from home the whole week!). That also gave my younger son some leeway to adjust to his first week at nursery, so I wasn't slugging away, torturing him with loooooong hours, poor thing was traumatized enough. At least I had institutionalized my older son already, that lessened the emotional trauma. I had him in nursery just before I had #2, because I figured I'd need a break and to give the baby some individual attention. Those were the carefree days of maternity leave, when the baby slept all day! As the 'baby' is now 13 months old, those days are long gone and they are both wild monkey's now.

Then I had a strange teambuilding day for work. It didn't end up 'bonding' us at all - I think we ended up bickering more than ever! So that wasn't a good start back. Then I had this disheartening burst-my- enthusiastic-bubble 1:1 with my manager. That wasn't a good start either. I ended up crying like a sissy moron in the meeting room, and he had to get all this paper towel to mop me embarrassing. But I DID seem a bit more emotional than usual. I even cried all the way home in the car (over an hour! well on and off, but you know how it is) and then again when I got home. That should have made me suspect something. My work trousers weren't doing up right either...but it had been a year since I'd tried to squeeze into more snug professional attire. I weighed myself and I was not really any different than before - not enough for my zippers to be resisting!

Hmmm and my suspicions grew. I asked a couple of friends who had just had babies if they had any spare tests around, leftover. I assured them I was just being silly, I am sure it's nothing. Too bad they didn't I had to wait longer. I considered getting one from Morrison's, but thy are like 10GBP for 2 tests! Crazy rip off. I wasn't feeling THAT worried...yet. Then I did feel queasy all the next day. Mental? Maybe I was imagining it, as I was feeling paranoid? I ordered some online tests anyway, only 2.18GBP for 10, what a bargain! I figured no loss there, if I am just silly and paranoid.

That was Thursday, and the tests came on Monday. I didn't know what wee wee vessel to use to dip the thing into, so I grabbed an egg cup (in the dishwasher straight after!) and did my little test. The last 2 times I tested for my 2 kids, it was all finessed and planned, so I tested early and it took ages for any faint line to show up, I needed different angles, different lighting to see anything at all. Hmmmm. Not this time. IMMEDIATE big fat line. HUGE. God how far am I?

Pregnant. How far pregnant am I? I can't believe it. What a wally. What will they think of me at work? What will I do? My last period was on our (nightmare) holiday, early August. So.....what...6 - 7 weeks pregnant.

So as if my year wasn't going to be challenging enough, alone, paying the bills myself, raising the kids myself, working 4 days a week (at least not 5...) good lord now I am pregnant too? I am sure it will be OK early on, when I am small-ish. When mama starts getting large, though, times will be tough. When I am a waddling enormo, with a bad back, and both kids are ill and whining and need carrying around, how will I do it? By myself???!!

Actual single moms, I salute you. I find it hard, just keeping on top of things, the way things are now. And I am CRAZY tired. Like so tired people are saying 'you look tired...are you alright?' ya, thanks for telling me I look terrible ;) At least actual single moms don't have the ready made facilities for getting pregnant again, also. I can't believe our luck - it was the absolute last chance hurrah for my husband to have before he left for his year away! What are the chances of that!!!???

BTW we weren't trying, far from it. So teenage girls out there, heed my warning, the withdrawl method does NOT work!

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