Monday, 25 October 2010

Unspoken Risk

When I first started writing, someone had said to me that I was being quite brave. I have to say that I brushed it off a bit, said oh, no, I'm just talking about funny stuff, whatever....but I knew what was meant, and I knew why I was brushing it off. It is not something anybody talks about, or not openly. I didn't want to either, well, not openly. I'm not even talking about it now, clearly avoiding.

The truth is, I did break the paramount number one rule; don't tell anyone you are pregnant until after you are at least 12 weeks in - the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly after 12 weeks. Until then, it is a risky business. It's something you don't hear about or talk about in general circles. I have been thinking about it a lot lately for a number of reasons - not least of which I feel like I am at the point right now, if something was going to happen it would be happening now, or soon. I am just over 10 weeks. I have been thinking about it now because I am sure I had food poisoning last week, thanks to a ghetto hot dog from Tesco's my son HAD to have. The stupid thing was such a rip off, when he didn't eat it, I ate the rest. Stupid, heat lamp, lukewarm, infested hot dog. I have been thinking about it now, because my scan is next week, November 3rd, and I have asked my manager if we could 'have a little meet up' tomorrow, where I will drop the bomb. I don't know why I am worrying this time around, but I do feel quite worried, certainly more than with my other 2 kids where I arrogantly didn't worry at all. Silly things, like I might have cursed myself by telling early, like somehow I will deserve it, serves me right. I am older now, too, which certainly could affect outcomes. I also think I might have cursed myself by the whole thing being a surprise - I was shocked and flustered and sad and worried early on, rightfully so, really, but...

It is the most sad, terrible thing, and nature can be so cruel. I feel very lucky, I have had 2 pregnancies, and 2 children. But it's not luck at all. The chance is something like 15% for every pregnancy, and there is no rhyme or reason, nothing you have done or haven't done. I suppose my hormones are still keeping me primed, but what a sorry state I was tonight, alone, eating leftover mash from Sat night, drinking the 1/4 inch of flat sparkling water (also left from Sat night) from the bottle, and munching a block of mature cheddar, crying over my bowl, dwelling. I was just really sad thinking of all the personal stories I know of, an alarming number. I don't know how I would feel myself, but I have kids and I believe, after loving the kids you have, you might imagine such a terrible loss. I suppose I am also dwelling on my worry, thinking that, actually, I am completely by myself. What if something horrible did happen? What would I do? How would I cope? It is lonely being alone with your terrible thoughts, being worried, and having no one to say 'don't be silly' 'let's have a hug' 'everything will be fine' - all that stuff that doesn't mean anything at all, other than someone is there, saying it. I do have wonderful friends, don't get me wrong, they are here for me if I need them. Phone calls, emails, and visiting are not the same though, as a partner who is there for you.

I feel like I am on a ledge, just waiting...waiting....3 months of waiting for security is a long time to wait. I have 2 more weeks to go, really, and time creeps on. After all the doubt and to-do initially, there is no concern in my mind now. I am happy with this baby, I want everything to work out, I want this to be OK. I want to be pulled back from my ledge.

I am not really a sentimental, nor religious person, but bless all those children that haven't made it to see their mummies, or were sleeping when they met. I am thinking of you, I really am. And I will give my 2 an extra big hug tomorrow - they are the ones that are here for me now, I am not by myself. I hope I can make them a new brother or sister and all will be well.

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